Love sucks when it doesn’t work. It’s very much a horrifying, depressing, agonizing, disgusting, putrid state of being and not anyone alive can say otherwise.
I had a conversation with a good friend-more like a brother since we’ve known each other so long. As usual, it began with the simple concerns triggered by: “how’ve you been?”
After the initial mundane cover up that we’re both ‘okay’, not even twenty seconds into our talk, we ask about each other’s significant other. Then we both immediately knew that ‘okay’ was a fat lie and fasten your seat belts for the pre-rollercoaster jet take off, into why. I’d like to pause here and just say that whether you’re in a relationship or not, having a close friend of the opposite sex, that genuinely cares about you, while also respecting the boundaries as a friend, but never lacking the courage to be honest, is the best. ever. Anyway,
we talked and complained, about why he or she isn’t working out or what new drama happened over the weekend and how we’re living, but really since those events, we feel as if living isn’t real unless things change in our favor. This is usually how it goes, but never do we ever pity each other. That’s what I personally like about having this guy as a brother, a really close friend; because he sees me as a sister, he’s not going to baby me. If there’s something on my face, he’ll announce it loudly. And in these conversations, he’ll tell me what I should’ve done or ‘good job’ if it was the best in his eyes. Vice versa. We never make decisions purely based on the other’s opinions, but we appreciate them in our thought process.
We got to a point where we’ve shared so much with each other, that all of a sudden I saw grief in his eyes and I think he saw mine too. Sadness, in a split second, took over our bodies and demeanor and we stopped talking. I’m not sure why. I think it was because there wasn’t more to be said, or maybe we both realized life is sometimes a tough cookie and words can only do so much to help us swallow. We were almost done with class and he slid a scratch piece of paper next to me on which he had written:
“But it HAS to work.”
I’m actually still speechless since reading that, this morning. However, I was thinking about those words all day. I’ve been in and out of the same relationship for a long time, and not once in those moments of hurt then love and betrayal then love again, did I ever think that I would stop fighting; it would stop working.
But I have, and it did. And I’m sure we’ll talk again, my brother and I, about these things. I’m just wondering…
When is it okay to stop fighting for love? Who makes those rules, anyway, and why do we have the feeling like we need to follow them?
“Forever”, was the expectation for me and that relationship. By him, myself, our friends. Do you realize how much pressure that is? It might amount to being that guy who was the only one in contact with the Pentagon, saved the President and his son, killed off terrorists, and nearly fell to his death by almost getting hit by a heli, in Olympus Has Fallen. It might. Gory movie, by the way.
The pressure is this (love for the person aside, because it does fade when things are difficult): if I don’t make this work, I’ll let down x amount of people. Then, very easily, you forget about taking care of yourself. And you can say you could care less about yourself, but that’s vital and irrational. There’s too much pressure on us, youth, teenagers, and even younger, in this day and age. Too much. I believe media has an awful lot to do with that. And if I seem too bold by saying this, by all means you need not read on… but this is why I think “forever” is intangible and in many ways, a time-bomb. It’s really simple..
We have no idea what tomorrow brings.
You don’t know exactly how the weather will be, neither does Guy Hagi, you don’t know who you’ll meet, which lunch lady will be working, how much the American dollar will decrease in value, or if you’ll even wake up. That said, how in the world do we have the confidence and haughtiness to promise the person we love, because it is love at the time, “forever”? Unless you believe in something that can reassure you that tomorrow will be just as you hope it to be, you really have no right to promise something so fragile.
It’s kinda cute, I give you that. #5ever
I guess I’m suggesting that we, me included, be very, very careful in our relationships. Watch what we say, what we think, what we do, and what we expect out of the other person. The biggest mistake I’ve made so far, among the many, is holding on to someone too tightly, with expectations too high. And promising him “forever”, every day. Now, I’m more cautious, trying my best to make promises that I know I’m capable of keeping. As for my brother, he’s still fighting for his girl. And I cannot tell him otherwise, even if her desire to make things work might not be at the same level as his, because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I just hope there’s one less empty promise, one less broken person, one less crying soul, and one more stronger heart.